How to Damn Your Professional Endeavors

Or: Dryvyng. Holy, holy, holy shit, Dryvyng.

There’s a saying among professional circles that, and I’m paraphrasing here, runs: Be professional. Some people misunderstand this to mean, “Subsume your personality and never express an opinion,” but I’d like to assert the true, simple meaning: Don’t act like a desperate maniac where people who might give you money are sure to see it.

Somehow this escapes people, and boy did it blow right past the dynamic duo who own, operate, and make up the entire employee base of non-existent rideshare company Dryvyng.

Let’s set aside for a moment the facts that the proposed app’s name returns a “Did you mean…” result on Google, that the rideshare pool is already pretty overcrowded with opportunists trying to swoop in on Uber’s success, and that both the company’s employees bear striking resemblance to eggs. Let’s talk about how the non-company conducts itself.

Dryvyng’s got a history of madness and shittiness that pre-dates this weekend’s meltdown, though most people wouldn’t have known about it without the meltdown. That’s because, prior to going absolutely bonkers on Twitter, the company existed in absolute obscurity. They had a website that explained their pitch poorly using questionable claims and unverified numbers, a Twitter page barren of most anything but unverified claims to meetings with investors and non-sequitor digs at ‘competitors,’ and a Facebook page that defines desperation without direction.

Because what investors want to see when they Google you before your meeting is petty mud slinging and teary pleas for Facebook shares. Squandering time and resources on crying and kicking your little feetsies? Sign me the heck up.

So for a while, Dryvyng’s eggheads weren’t much more than:

-Unknown

-Unnoticed

-Misguided

-Prone to exaggeration

Then something… happened. After a week-long lull in dull tweets about how they’re totally blowing up right now, for real, things took an abrupt turn for the What.

  1. That seems like a waste of the resources it would take to integrate mostly-unused currencies into your system, but if you’re committed to the idea I can’t find it in my heart to rebuke you.
  2. That… seems unlikely. You might want to build a private use app as a test and run a lot of trial transactions before you commit to that estimate.
  3. It’s weird that they haven’t liked you on Facebook or followed you on Twitter. Also, weird how two softboiled white boys did all the work of vetting 35,000 people since August of this year. You must be very efficient.
  4. Wait what.

The change is, quite literally, spontaneous. Up until this, Dryvyng had posted around 150 tweets, all of them either pleading or gloating or committing libel.

By the way, #4 DEFINITELY COUNTS AS LIBEL. But Uber’s higher ups would have to know these guys exist to consider suing, so no worries.

For the uninitiated (and fortunate) SJW is the new ‘politically correct,’ by which I mean it’s a good dog whistle word that tells you whoever’s said it is a regressive shitknob who’s afraid that social progress will one day require that they cease their shitknobbery. It’s used primarily by nerds who look like eggs, most of whom like to believe they’re attacking/allowing others to attack women in the name of bettering video games for everyone. It’s weird, and that Dryvyng’s eggheads saw fit to tie themselves to the cause seems… random. Not only was this shadowy group not upset over Dryvyng’s existence, nobody was. Because nobody knew Dryvyng existed at all.

But! For one shining day, people knew Dryvyng existed. Kind of. Like most frightened, reactionary people, the Twitter contingent who believe the feminist/gay/brown people conspiracy is a thing are pretty easily played by confirmation of their views. A small swarm of them found Dryvyng and skittered in to offer something that must have felt a whole lot like support. Of course, the support never reached the same level of engagement as the equally abundant mockery.

Still, the eggs announced their delight at this newfound attention readily. And repeatedly. I mean, take a look at these numbers.

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Except, uh oh, it turns out anyone can run a follower audit on your Twitter and find out just how many you. Uh. Let’s say ‘earned.’

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Never mind that, after having only ~5,000 followers before they decided to start charging windmills, a gain of around 2,500 is pretty impressive. I’m proud when I gain and retain ten followers in a month, because relative to my follower count that’s a good rate of retention. But Dryvyng didn’t want good. They wanted best, they wanted hyperbole. Until, uh, they didn’t. By which I mean until they realized that literally anyone can check their follower stats.

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I would absolutely love to know:

  1. How that even works.
  2. Why anyone would do that.
  3. How that line adds up with your exalting claims to super stardom from 20 hours earlier. Did the fake followers displace all your new real ones? Because I see more than two eggs in your follower list, and they’re not new additions as of this tweet.
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So popular! And handsome!

I’ll admit I don’t follow Dryvyng’s line of thinking here. Why feminists (and in the rhetoric of video game nerds) when neither have anything to do with what the company offers? Why falsify a huge bloat in follower count when a simple Google search for, oh, ‘how to get more followers’ would tell them that schemes like buying followers fall through because it’s so easy for algorithms (and, Hell, humans) to tell when you’ve paid some teenager on Fiverr to run a bot for you? Why start contradicting your own story within 24 hours of posting the original lie publicly without first deleting the lies?

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It’s worth mentioning now that the Egg Twins previously tried an online venture in collecting and posting nude photos of women against their will and then (trying to) make them pay to get them taken down. One of the egglets, Craig Brittain, later attempted to file legal action to get all mention of this failed endeavor stricken from the internet. Naturally, that didn’t work and you can have a real good time Googling his name (and now Dryvyng!) to read/watch all about him being a creepy idiot.

All this suggests (really, insists) a critical absence of foresight and rational thinking. Forethought, subthought, just thought in general, all totally gone from the equation. It’s baffling to watch. It defies reason, it flies in the face of everything the rational mind socialized by humans assumes about interaction.

It also betrays a surprising (for an internet startup run by two guys who already failed so stunningly at one) lack of understanding for… for how any of this shit even works. Even if you did have 35,000 new followers (who weren’t sent by the Illuminati) that’s not going to translate to 35,000 new committed customers. I follow Taco Bell on Twitter and haven’t CHOSEN to eat there since high school, I follow a whole load of creators whose work I haven’t bought yet. Investors understand that followers don’t translate to engagement and engagement doesn’t translate to sales.

They also understand that huge gains in fake followers is shady as shit, but never you mind.

And that’s your Monday Meltdown. Later, losers.

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